Lesson learned
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo

The three of us were taking a walk in the park today, well Nayeli was on her trike, and Peter and I were walking off our lunch when we approached 3 young teenage boys sitting on a bench. I had noticed they were being loud and using foul language before we got near them and as we passed them I noticed one holding up what clearly looked like a joint. It angered me and I said to them, "I hope you guys are not planning on smoking that around here!" The boy holding the joint looked at me with a confused look and his jaw dropped. It was at that moment that I realized he was not holding a joint. It was a twig that looked very much like a joint. The boy then (understandably) became upset and said it was a twig. I felt so stupid that the only thing I could think of saying was "oops" and keep on walking. One of the boys then yelled out, "you shouldn't make assumptions about people!" And then another yelled out, "fucking bitch!" Peter turned around, walked back and asked them to repeat what they just called me. The three of them got up, puffed out their chests and started saying that they weren't doing anything wrong as tough as they could. I suppose it was then when Peter got a good look at their faces, that he noticed that they were actually pretty young, like 12-14 yrs old. Without saying another word, he turned back around and walked away. They yelled a few more curse words at us. We continued walking.

The whole time Nayeli had been riding her trike way ahead of us so she was completely oblivious as to what had just happened. Peter and I walked in silence and I started to feel an immense amount of shame, embarrassment and guilt. The boy was right, I did make an assumption and I was a bitch for not acknowledging my mistake and allowing the situation to escalate and getting Peter involved and upset. I apologized to peter. And when we were getting close to where the boys were sitting at again, I told peter to keep on walking. I approached them and apologized. I told them they were right, I did make an assumption and I was wrong for that, then they apologized for the words they called me and Peter. One of them said, "I know we look a certain way, but we're not like that and we're sorry for everything too." They were 3 African-American boys and with that statement I understood that they felt they were being discriminated. I told them that we were Mexican and that we have been treated poorly because of it too and I know what an ugly feeling that is and I felt terrible for having made them feel that way. I apologized again and so did they. Then I smiled, nodded and walked away.

Now I know....look and think twice before opening my big mouth to talk shit or I may end up looking like a huge ass and offending innocent people. :/

Tags:

Good
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo

Today was a good day. Had spontaneous morning sex, for the first time in about a year Peter accompanied us to church, had lunch at Denny's, then came home and did some gardening in our front yard. At about 7 pm we're going for a walk in the park...today will be our third day walking in the park. Things feel happy and normal today.

Tags:

At the end of my rope
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
Two people...no wait....Peter and I are not meant to spend this much time together. everything he does irks the shit out of me. He hardly helps me with anything and on the rare occasion that he does, he either does a half-assed job at it or expects to be treated like a king because he did it. que pendejadas! I get it, I do...it must be so hard and stressful for him, but it's going to be a year already... a fucking YEAR and he cannot seem to snap out of it. I'm sick of it...sick of him and this funk he's stuck in. Shit, I took it real hard when Mom passed away and  to this day I still have off days because i miss her so much, but fuck I realized i had a family to take care of and still function...even when I'm in a funk I function....shit still gets done around the house, Nayeli gets taken and picked up from school, I help her with hw, read to her, etc....but him? No, God forbid he try to be a functioning human being while he's in a funk....God forbid he be present and engaging and alert. Ugh...I must be the worlds worst wife because I'm saying this but it's going to be a YEAR already!!! How long is this going to last????? He stresses me out!!! The guy doesn't even make me laugh or smile anymore....he hardly laughs or smiles anymore. Fuuuuucccckkkk.....i just wanna scream so loud. And as of today I am on strike from washing the fucking dishes...that is fucking it with that mess....

Mom was right, I didn't want to admit it then, but she was spot on and I wish I would have listened to her. Peter probably would have been better off too if I had just listened to her.

But what the fuck can I do about it now? My stupid ass never got a freaking degree or even a trade....I am stuck and stupid and uneducated. I wish I had something to fall back on. I pray that Nayeli will see the advantage to a higher education and take that opportunity. I will make sure that she is presented with it, but I pray that she sees how important it is and takes full advantage of it. Even if at some point she too decides to be a stay-at-home-mom, she will at least have something to go back to once the children grow up....she will have options and opportunities that will provide decently. I don't ever want her to be where I'm at because this really sucks.

Ugly
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
Another Mom dream...

My sisters, mom and I were sitting at Sandy's kitchen table when my mom asks me (in Spanish), "what's wrong with you, mija?" I ask her why and she says "because you look ugly. Your face looks sad and tired, you've gained weight, you look wasted. What's wrong? What is happening in your life that is making you look that way? You look ugly". I tell her nothing is wrong and that everything is fine. In my dream I want to tell her all my worries, but I don't want my sisters to know so I say everything is fine.

My mom was kind of blunt. She wasn't very good at sugar coating things, and even though some of the things she'd say we're hurtful or offensive, I still knew she had my best interests in mind.

2014
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
We stood home for New Years. Peter made a yummy caldo de albondigas (Mexican meatball soup). And we just watched some TV until midnight. Nayeli had been sick (again!) with a cold and an ear infection. Poor thing had a fever for 4 days! She even lost a couple of pounds...poor thing. :( She was prescribed amoxicillin and was still recuperating so we didn't really wanna take her out or risk infecting other people/kids since she still had a pretty bad cough. Peter's mom invited us over, even if Nayeli wasn't sick I don't think we would have gone.

Chuck-e-Cheese is expensive. Nayeli said she wanted her party there so we started saving up for it in the summer. Peter swore he wouldn't touch that money no matter what. Well, guess what? He spent most of it without consulting me. I just found out today. I understand that we need that money for bills more right now than for chuck-e-cheese, I don't disagree with that, but maybe we could have worked something out. We could have brainstormed together or something. I hate when he leaves me out of decisions like this...like my opinion doesn't matter or something. Nayeli is still telling people that she will be celebrating her birthday at chuck-e-cheese in January. I don't know what to tell her and stupid Peter keeps letting her believe that she is. I will break it to her this week.

On a happier note, and this is kind of old news, but I forgot to mention it on here, out mutual friend, Ms. Tabatha and I made up. I'm not sure if what happened between us could have even been considered a falling out, to me it seemed more like a misunderstanding...either way we made up a few months ago and I'm really happy about it. I'm not a person of many friends, but I truly love and cherish the ones I do have. We still have a lot to talk about to clear the air, but I feel like things are going to be alright between us and that makes me so happy. I felt like shit when she told me that her mom had been battling cancer. I could have been there for her and I wasn't.

Something else that I'm hoping will lead to good news is that today i woke up with sore breasts. That's one of my usual pms symptoms that I have not experienced in 6 months. My doc advised me to see an obgyn, but I worried that it might cost more than just the co-payment so I skipped the appointment she made for me. I just wanna be somewhat regular again...well, whatever was regular for me since my period is pretty irregular. Again, this one another one of those things that I believe will improve with weight loss.

My resolutions for this year:
-Stop eating heavy foods at night other than healthy cereal and skim milk.
-Walk on the treadmill at least 5 days a week for 30 mins.
-Cut back on the iphone/internet/apps
-Read more books

journal style
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
Updated my journal style because the last one was kind of dark and it would hurt my eyes while reading it. This one seems a little better so far. Can't seem to get away from the dark colors.

So long 2013, please be good to us 2014
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
Earlier this month, the doctor that was assigned to Peter through his job pretty much told him there was nothing much else he could do for him. Since his injury in Feb. of this year, they have provided massage, physical therapy, acupuncture and a facet block shot and he pretty much still feels the same. His doc pronounced that he had to remain on permanent light duty from there on. About a week after that Peter received a call letting him know that since his medical case was closed, they were going to cut off his workers comp. He was told that his only options at that point were to go on disability or continue to work 4 hr daily shifts (light duty) until a position that he could fill became available....IF one became available. It is impossible for us to survive on what he makes only working 4 hr shifts a day. Peter has since hired a lawyer to help with this situation because he pretty much gets a lot of "I don't knows", and other non-nonsensical mumbo jumbo whenever he inquires about his situation and what he can do about it.  There is a supposed desk position that would be suitable for him that might be available in Jan., but they won't tell him much else about it. We're not holding our breath. Things are hard financially right now. We only buy what we need when we need it. We'll get through this. That's pretty much all there is to say on that right now.

As a mentioned in a previous post, Peter's family celebrated Thanksgiving on Fri and he and Nayeli went while I stood home and hoped that perhaps his family could lift his spirits and cheer him up. Nothing happened, Not a single word was said. When I texted his sis a couple of days after to inquire about it, she said there was a lot of people and they were all so busy that they never got around to it. I believed it, that's pretty much the way it is when we go over. Also, the money Peter and I spent buying a turkey and the ingredients to brine it went to waste because the damn lady decided that this year, after many years of not making one, and after we had told her we were going to prepare the turkey this year, decided to prepare her own and had it cooking in the oven already when Peter arrived. He had arrived early specifically to have anough time to prep and cook his turkey. Then when the turkey was done and Peter thought he finally had his turn with the oven, the lady decides that she had to cook/caramelize in Mexican sugar, a whole pumpkin. A whole pumpkin that she didn't even serve to her guests and was later wrapped up and sent home with Peter. He was very annoyed and I was irritated hearing about it. I knew she was going to bust something like that. She then declared that us and Peters sis were to be in charge of Christmas dinner because she was going to be healing/resting from a tummy tuck. (That's a whole other story) I told Peter I was only making dessert because I knew that surgery and all she would still make her own main course. Peter's sis, on the other hand, took this serious and prepared a lovely dinner of spiral cut ham, mashed potatoes and other yummy sides only to have them pushed aside by her moms pozole. I didn't go for Christmas dinner either, but Peter told me his sis was hurt because she had worked so hard to make dinner. I felt bad for her, she had called me a few days earlier asking me for recipes and tips. She is a good cook and she really wanted to prove that to the fam. You can be Julia freakin' Child and my MIL will still try to one up you.

Okay, and now this last part. About a week and a half before Christmas, Peter called his mom and asked her for a loan. Now let me just say that we don't go to them or anyone for money. We have always tried to do things on our own and have managed pretty well until recently, but things got really hard this time and we were pretty desperate and scared of not being able to pay our mortgage. Peter's parents are always telling us how well they are doing with their home daycare and how they might even be able to retire early because they are doing so well so we figured it would be okay to ask for a loan....just enough to cover 3 months of our mortgage and we would pay them back monthly and eventually in higher increments once our financial situation got better. We weren't asking for them to give it to us...just a loan. Peter's mom cut him off before he was even done saying what he had to say and declared that they were broke and had no money. (this is the lady that was about to waste thousands on a tummy tuck). Then she went on to lecture him and say some pretty hurtful things about me that I don't want to get into right now. She also said that she knew I was up to something when I went to his sis and asked her to talk to them and that she saw all this coming. It would have been different if she had just said that she couldn't lend us the money. They are under no obligation to say yes or even give us an explanation. It is their money that they worked very hard for and we are adults who should be able to do things on our own...but to go on and say those hurtful things. To kick him when he was already down and to assume that my intentions were monetary and not sincere. I went to Peter's sister and parents for help because I was and still am worried about Peter's emotional well being. Not once did I bring up anything about money. It was all about him and how this has all taken a toll on him emotionally. All I was asking for was some words of encouragement to him from them. You know....what parents should do. Do they think I don't love him? After 14 years and everything we have been through together? Well, needless to say this affected Peter pretty bad and had added even more to what he is already going through. I feel so angry at her for hurting him and for thinking there was an ulterior motive to my talk with his sis. I should've never talked to her. This only made the situation worse.

Christmas cards and gingerbread houses
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
Okay, so I know this is extremely petty, and no, this is not directed at you, milah, but I only got 4 Christmas cards this year. 4! I mailed out picture cards to close friends and family and regular Christmas cards to everyone else. I only received 2 cards in the mail this year and the other two were from our neighbors and a friend. What the hell?! Yes, my life is that dull that I actually look forward to opening the mailbox and receiving stuff other than junk mail and bills.This kinda sucks, but whatcha gonna do? :-(

I will make another post about Thanksgiving, my MIL and how I'm sick of her shit and how things have gotten pretty bad since they cut off Peter's workers comp. Too much to say and I'm pretty tired right now.

I do want to mention that I hosted a mini gingerbread house/playdate/get together with 3 of Nayeli's friends here at the house. Since we are on a tight budget, I did everything on the cheap and the instead of gingerbread I used graham crackers, made my own icing and purchased the rest at the $1 store. All under $10. It went well, Nayeli had a great time, she even cried when her last friend left because she was having so much fun. I went the whole day without anxiety meds even though hosting people that aren't close to me makes me anxious. It wasn't too awkward with the moms, there was always plenty to talk about. The only part that I'm still confused about is if I'm supposed to offer them food. Beverage, of course, but food? one of the moms arrived half an hour early, wanted to get started on the gingerbread house even though the other girls weren't there yet and then asked if I could offer her child some breakfast because she hadn't had any yet. I poured her some cereal and milk and then the mom said she forgot to tell me her daughter didn't want milk, but that she (the mom) would eat it and asked if I could give her daughter dry cereal. Okaaaay.....suuuuure... Half an hour later she asked if I could offer her daughter some lunch. Like I mentioned earlier, we are on a TIGHT budget and didn't have many groceries, but I managed to make some cheese quesadillas with cucumber and celery on the side. Just then the other girls arrived, but thank God the mom had given them lunch right before they left the house. It was just gingerbread house making and a little playing I didn't think I would have to offer food. This is all so foreign to me...am I supposed to feed them??? This same little girl had a nasty cough and was coughing all over the place...at one point her cough got so bad that some of her lunch came up and guess who had to clean it? Ugh...so disgusting. I was not able to hide that I was a little cross about that. There were other weird incidents with this lady too.  I've hung around this mother before. Our girls were in the same swim lesson course and we see each other weekly for story time at the library and she always seemed cool, but that day I found her obnoxious. To be honest, I was kind of relieved when she left. I just had to vent a little here. Peter didn't seem to have an opinion when I tried to vent to him and this is not something that I wanted to bring up to the other moms because I don't want to be a shit talker or start anything bad.  Maybe the lady was having an off day...who knows. Well, it's over now and I survived my first time hosting new friends here at the house. Sometimes I wish I could see myself the way other people see me...I want to know what I'm doing wrong. i hope I was a decent hostess.

End of November update
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
This was a difficult month. The 21st of this month marked the 2 year anniversary of my mom passing and to this very day not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about her. I still miss her very much and occasionally cry for her. It has gotten a bit easier to remember happy and even sad events without bursting into tears, this month however is always the most difficult. It brings back some of the most painful memories of my life thus far. I'd still sacrifice days, even years of my life just to have her with me again for a few seconds.

This year we celebrated Thanksgiving at Sandy's house and to everyone's surprise Dad showed up. Not even Peter and I saw that coming. For the most part it was a nice surprise, but my brother, who has not spoken to him for about two years nor had any desire to speak to him was not not very happy. My bro went from grinning and playful to sullen and emotional the minute my dad walked in. My dad greeted him saying (in Spanish), "son, how are you? It's been a long time since I've seen you. How are you, son?" and my brother shook his hand and gave him a half assed attempt at a smile and walked away. This situation between them made for some very awkward moments throughout the evening. Then my bro was upset at me and my sisters for not telling him that my dad was going to be there. He was very emotional for the rest of the evening and made it a point to stay as far away from my dad as possible. I understand both sides and wish there was something I could say and do to make things better. My sisters on the other hand were very delighted that Dad was with us...giddy even. Peter and I decided it was best not to let them know that Dad's girlfriend had to work on Thanksgiving. Both Peter and I have a strong suspicion that he only spent it with us because she was unavailable. I know Dad loves and cares for all of us right now, but it seems like she has been his main priority since they've been together and that's fine, but i just wish he'd make more of an effort to be the patriarch he used to be. The family isn't what it used to be anymore. Even though I am very thankful for my family, I can't help but to find this all very sad.

Peter's family is doing Thanksgiving today because they had the day care open yesterday. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that they run a family daycare from their home. Anywho, Peter's family doesn't care much for turkey and Peter thinks this is because they've never had good turkey. This year Peter told his mom that he wanted them to taste our turkey and that we were going to prepare it this year. Now, I know my MIL pretty well by now so I didn't bother making much of anything else other than brining the turkey. Peter and Nayeli left early so as to get there with enough time to rinse and cook the turkey. He sent me a text when he got there and told me that his mom was preparing various different types of food and at least 2 different main courses. I wasn't surprised. She's done this shit to me in the past. He seemed a little disappointed, but I guess that means more Turkey for him to bring home for us. Every time I attempt to prepare/cook the main course she takes it upon herself to do the same with her own food. I don't know why she does this. Anywho, I decided to stay home today and enjoy some much needed alone time.

Another reason why I decided to stay home was because...well first let me say that I NEVER go to Peter's family for any type of marital help because I don't like to worry them and because I am aware that no matter what the problem is they will always take his side. That's just the way it is with most families, I get it and I don't hold it against them. Peter's back pain and what I can only assume is depression has not improved. He's still saying very negative comments that concern me. He still plays that app I mentioned in an earlier post a lot and has taken to sleeping more than normal. When I brought his bad sleeping pattern to his attention he said something along the lines about his life in his dreams being far better than his real life. I asked him if he realized what a powerful and scary statement he made and he simply replied that it was the truth. I spoke to Peter's sister about this and asked if she could mention this to his parents and maybe...hopefully they can help him see the bright side of things. She said she would. I want Peter to be happy again, to be hopeful and optimistic. Anywho, I thought they might accomplish this easier if I am not there. I know he will be upset with me because he always tells me not to mention his illnesses to his family, but I'm hoping that a bit of parental intervention will help.

I think that's about it for now. I had originally planned on doing lots of major cleaning today, but fuck it. I hardly get this time to myself so I think I'll watch a movie next...or maybe catch up on youube vids, or read a bit...we'll see.

Whew!
I <3 Jack
spindiloo_whoo
So I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but I have a very irregular menstrual cycle. So I wasn't sweating it when 3 months went by without a period. Then the fourth month passed. I hardly ever go more than 3 months and I've only gone over 4 months once. So I went and took a urine pregnancy test which came out negative. As of this week I have not had my period in a little over 5 months. This is a first. I called and scheduled a blood test. Gotta love Kaiser during times like these because I was able to do it all in one day and get emailed when the results were in. When I went online to check the test results, all I saw were hcg numbers. My level was 1ml and I had no idea what the heck that meant. With the urine test it said "negative" in words. I called Kaiser again and they told me they'd call me back. That was the longest hour ever because I was so damn anxious! Finally they called and told me an hcg level lower than 4ml meant negative. I sighed a huge sigh of relief. I then asked the nurse if she might be able to explain why I've gone so long without a period and the first question she asked was if I've recently gained some weight. I told her I've gained a lot lately and she said that sometimes that happens, but advised that I make an appt with my physician to further discuss things.

I don't want to have another baby, but if it happened I think I would welcome it if I wasn't taking the medication that I have been taking which is Sumatriptan for migraines 1-2 a month, Advil Migraine at least 3 times a week and Lorazepam at least once a week for anxiety. None of that stuff can be good for a fetus. That was my biggest fear throughout all this...that the medications I am taking would have somehow hurt my baby.

Anywho, this is a sign that I need to take better care of myself. I have a good feeling that the migraines might even start to go away if I i lose weight and watch what i eat. As for the anxiety, it's not as bad as it was, but I'd like to be able to function without lorazepam in situations that make me highly anxious.

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