This year we celebrated Thanksgiving at Sandy's house and to everyone's surprise Dad showed up. Not even Peter and I saw that coming. For the most part it was a nice surprise, but my brother, who has not spoken to him for about two years nor had any desire to speak to him was not not very happy. My bro went from grinning and playful to sullen and emotional the minute my dad walked in. My dad greeted him saying (in Spanish), "son, how are you? It's been a long time since I've seen you. How are you, son?" and my brother shook his hand and gave him a half assed attempt at a smile and walked away. This situation between them made for some very awkward moments throughout the evening. Then my bro was upset at me and my sisters for not telling him that my dad was going to be there. He was very emotional for the rest of the evening and made it a point to stay as far away from my dad as possible. I understand both sides and wish there was something I could say and do to make things better. My sisters on the other hand were very delighted that Dad was with us...giddy even. Peter and I decided it was best not to let them know that Dad's girlfriend had to work on Thanksgiving. Both Peter and I have a strong suspicion that he only spent it with us because she was unavailable. I know Dad loves and cares for all of us right now, but it seems like she has been his main priority since they've been together and that's fine, but i just wish he'd make more of an effort to be the patriarch he used to be. The family isn't what it used to be anymore. Even though I am very thankful for my family, I can't help but to find this all very sad.
Peter's family is doing Thanksgiving today because they had the day care open yesterday. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that they run a family daycare from their home. Anywho, Peter's family doesn't care much for turkey and Peter thinks this is because they've never had good turkey. This year Peter told his mom that he wanted them to taste our turkey and that we were going to prepare it this year. Now, I know my MIL pretty well by now so I didn't bother making much of anything else other than brining the turkey. Peter and Nayeli left early so as to get there with enough time to rinse and cook the turkey. He sent me a text when he got there and told me that his mom was preparing various different types of food and at least 2 different main courses. I wasn't surprised. She's done this shit to me in the past. He seemed a little disappointed, but I guess that means more Turkey for him to bring home for us. Every time I attempt to prepare/cook the main course she takes it upon herself to do the same with her own food. I don't know why she does this. Anywho, I decided to stay home today and enjoy some much needed alone time.
Another reason why I decided to stay home was because...well first let me say that I NEVER go to Peter's family for any type of marital help because I don't like to worry them and because I am aware that no matter what the problem is they will always take his side. That's just the way it is with most families, I get it and I don't hold it against them. Peter's back pain and what I can only assume is depression has not improved. He's still saying very negative comments that concern me. He still plays that app I mentioned in an earlier post a lot and has taken to sleeping more than normal. When I brought his bad sleeping pattern to his attention he said something along the lines about his life in his dreams being far better than his real life. I asked him if he realized what a powerful and scary statement he made and he simply replied that it was the truth. I spoke to Peter's sister about this and asked if she could mention this to his parents and maybe...hopefully they can help him see the bright side of things. She said she would. I want Peter to be happy again, to be hopeful and optimistic. Anywho, I thought they might accomplish this easier if I am not there. I know he will be upset with me because he always tells me not to mention his illnesses to his family, but I'm hoping that a bit of parental intervention will help.
I think that's about it for now. I had originally planned on doing lots of major cleaning today, but fuck it. I hardly get this time to myself so I think I'll watch a movie next...or maybe catch up on youube vids, or read a bit...we'll see.
- Current Mood: calm
- Current Music:Muse
I don't want to have another baby, but if it happened I think I would welcome it if I wasn't taking the medication that I have been taking which is Sumatriptan for migraines 1-2 a month, Advil Migraine at least 3 times a week and Lorazepam at least once a week for anxiety. None of that stuff can be good for a fetus. That was my biggest fear throughout all this...that the medications I am taking would have somehow hurt my baby.
Anywho, this is a sign that I need to take better care of myself. I have a good feeling that the migraines might even start to go away if I i lose weight and watch what i eat. As for the anxiety, it's not as bad as it was, but I'd like to be able to function without lorazepam in situations that make me highly anxious.
Today she is better and Peter took her to the local farmers market right now for a little sunshine, she had not been out of the house all week. I made up some type of excuse yesterday to get out of the house too. I've noticed I get more headaches when I am just at home. On the plus side, being at home all week and not having to drop her off or pick her up from school gave me a chance to get a lot of stuff done around the house.
Changing the subject...
Family members are starting to notice Peter's change in disposition and are asking me what is wrong with him. I usually just shrug my shoulders. They have started to refer to him as amargado (bitter) and it's hard for me to defend him because it is true. Aside from sex, i don't know how to make him happy. I have run out of positive things to say and to be honest, it seems as if he just doesn't believe them anymore and is not listening. He's so negative about EVERYTHING and it's become difficult to communicate with him because it seems as if no matter how I state things, it ALWAYS offends him. Even if I ask him to throw out the trash, he thinks I'm speaking down to him when all I was doing was that...asking him to throw out the trash. It's like living with a moody, temperamental teenager. This isn't him, though. I want my old Peter back. I wish he would take it upon himself to seek the help he needs because this whole back injury thing is not getting better and it's affecting everyone around him. The other day he made a comment about him being worth more if he were dead and how Nayeli and I could live comfortable off his pension. He's never talked like that before. It's so scary.
About Mary...I still don't know exactly what she was referring to when she said "dope". For her mom's bday, she bought her a cake and a 12 pk of beer because she had finished all the beer at her moms house. This Tuesday, she texted Peter and asked him if he could wire her some money. When he asked what she needed it for she said it was because she wanted to get her nails and hair done before she turned herself in. Yes, she was serious. And of course Peter said no. She was doing so well, but now she is back to full-blown Mary again. Peter was telling me that last Saturday, while he was there, she stopped by only to drop off her son. She didn't bother asking anyone if they would be willing to take care of him or even asking her son if he wanted to stay. I guess she just assumed that with all the people there no one would notice. When she tried to sneak off, he son saw her, ran to her, grabbed her by the legs and cried and begged for her to take him with her. This story alone choked me up, but not drug addict Mary. When her son did this, she proceeded to try to shake/kick him off her and called him just about every terrible world she could think of. Then the rest of the family started making a bigger deal of the situation by yelling at her and telling her what a fucked up person she was. She stormed off with her son. I told Peter they should have let him stay, the boy really looks up to Peter. I know it didn't go well for him once they left. If I'm not mistaken, today is the day she was supposed to turn herself in. As usual, Peter's parents will be the ones taking care of the boy while Mary's locked up. They already have full custody of one of their other granddaughters. She's 5. I can see how tired my in-laws are.
Changing the subject, it's finally starting to cool down and I'm looking forward to the holidays ahead, but I still can't help but to think of Mom. The holidays always remind me of her. I'm going to try to make the best of these next 3 months, but I'm already starting to experience twinges of sadness and anxiety every time something holiday themed reminds me of her. It's weird...I have moments of sheer joy and excitement for the holidays and there are other moments when I feel sad instead. Hopefully this November is not as bad as the last.
I keep waiting for a sign...anything that gives me the okay to meet my dads gf, but I don't get anything. Instead I've been having dreams where Mom is sick and I'm trying to do everything to help, but she just keeps getting worse. Also in these dreams, my dad is cheating on my mom with his current gf and either my mom knows but ignores it or asks us what she should do. Ugh, every time I get on the subject of these recent dreams I feel so sad. I can't say enough how hopeless and useless one feels when they are caring for someone who has given up...someone too sick and tired to heal. It sucks not being able to do a damn thing to help them get better. All you can do is stand by and watch, pretend not to be scared and sad for their sake. It sucks.
- Current Music:Macy's Day Parade- Green Day
Nayeli has come down with a bug/cold for the second time since she started school. She's only been in school for a little over a month. The first time she had to miss two days and this time, the worst hit her late yesterday evening and today, so she didn't miss any school. They only allow 10 unexcused days and winter is not even here yet. ugh...people always say that once you have a kid you can tolerate gross stuff more than before...well, that's really not the case for me.
Anywho, my MIL's bday was a couple of days ago and we were supposed to head over there today to celebrate and watch the Mayweather vs Canelo fight, but as I mentioned, Nayeli is sick, so Peter went ahead without us. She is taking a nap right now, something she NEVER does unless she is sick so that is why I'm able to peacefully type this update.
Okay, unfortunate event #1:
Peter gets his car serviced at Jiffy Lube every 3 weeks at the same location. He gets the oil changed this often because his commute to work is far. About three weeks ago, he got an oil change done at the same location he always goes to which is 2-3 blocks from our house and headed home. I then used it to drop Nayeli off at preschool and head to two different grocery stores. A couple of hours pass and it is time to pick up Nayeli so back I go on the stretch of highway where the speed limit is 60 mph. As I'm driving, the car suddenly slows down, and sounds as if it's shutting down. I quickly turn the left signal on and safely make it to the side of the street with only the car behind me honking in anger. Long story short (and please forgive my lack of correct terminology here as I don't know a thing about cars or mechanics) the idiots at Jiffy Lube forgot to put some plug back in after the oil change which caused all the oil to leak out and completely busted the engine/motor of the car. The district manager offers to have the motor replaced and pay for a weeks worth of a car rental. They don't cover insurance at the rental place so that had to come out of our pocket, I believe it was about $120. Did I mention that we are in a financial shitter right now? Anywho, I'm leaving out the details where we had to deal and even yell at a few incompetent idiots along the way......Fast forward to this week when we noticed there were 2 separate silver dollar coin sized drops of oil on our driveway. Our engine never leaked before this mess. Call the district manager again, take the car to get checked and turns out it's the radiator. Much like the first time, they tried to say it wasn't their fault, but according to Peter and my dad, our radiator was fine before this whole mess so we'll see what they are going to do about it next week.
Unfortunate event #2:
The same week the pendejos at Jiffy Lube fucked up Peter's car, the transmission in my car took a shit as well. Thank God for my dad having hook ups and the know how. He was able to get us a new one at a reasonable price and Peter and him installed it themselves. That there saved us so much. I think my dad took pity on us because he refused to let us pay him for the transmission. He wouldn't tell us how much it cost, only that it was a good deal and he also didn't accept the cash when we tried to hand him some. The transmission took a week to fix and as usual, I'm so very thankful for Dad. I guess this one wasn't so unfortunate.
Unfortunate event #3:
This happened a week after the trouble with our cars. The air conditioner broke down. The temp was about 105 degrees outside that day and the internal temp of the house reached 87 degrees. It took 24 hrs to get the AC fixed and running again and for some odd reason all the bread in our pantry turned moldy. =/ I had to charge the $720 on my credit card. We were trying (Peter says he hasn't, but who know if it's the truth) to not start charging things on our credit cards. I really don't want this to become our go-to thing when we're short on money.
Unfortunate event #4:
This one isn't going to hurt our wallets, but it's still very unfortunate. My sister-in-law, Mary, fell off the wagon and is going back to jail soon. She said she's getting 16 months, but we'll see. She said she got caught with "dope". Okay, I thought this was weed, but according to the Urban Dictionary, "dope" is heroin and only old people still refer to weed as "dope". I'm sure Peter will get the rest of the details at his mom's house today. Anyway, she told him this via text message earlier this week. As usual, when she's on drugs, it's everyone's fault except her own. The cops are the bad guys because they stopped her in a vehicle that wasn't hers,doesn't have a drivers license, and was in possession of this "dope". She says they should have been easier on her because, and I quote: "It's not like I was slanging or some shit. I just had it on me". *facepalm* Peter's mom, as usual threatened to legally take custody of her son away from her when she found out and of course my MIL is the bad guy here. Seriously? So if I'm not mistaken, there's a warrant out for her arrest now and she's going to turn herself in next week so as not to miss her parents birthdays. Oh yeah, so freakin' considerate of you, Mary. Why not try being a decent, functioning, contributing member of society instead. Try being a good mom and a good daughter. I just don't get her. Even while she was sober, she refused to get a job or take a few classes and just mooched off of people. An idle mind is the devil's playground.
Ugh....but enough about that. Okay, here are some good things. Some recent and some not so recent, but still good.
Peter and I are not fighting as much. That is all.
I'm very happy with the progress Nayeli is making in preschool. She is speaking much more clearly and is no longer taking speech therapy, but instead has been placed in speech and language improvement class. I was told by the school speech therapist that unlike speech therapy, this class is short term as most kids grow out of it. I love her preschool teachers, and have heard nothing but good things about the school I have her in. I've heard this from both the parents of Nayeli's classmates who have older children in that school and from other teachers in that district as well. This school is a magnet school. I put her on the waiting list for kindergarten last month and the receptionist told me she has a high chance of getting in because i applied early. I also have her on a waiting list for a charter school here, but she can be on there for years until her number gets called. Both this magnet school and the charter school have great reviews and high test scores. I am told they are top schools in Southern Cali, but I haven't looked into it myself to see where they stand. So yeah, as far as school goes, so far so good. :)
I overcame a fear and enrolled myself in swim lessons in July. And guess what? I swam! Like an injured, lop sided, dolphin, but I swam! I had a near droning experience as a child and as a result never learned to swim out of fear. Swimming felt nice. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I enrolled late and the course was the last course of the summer. Nayeli took some too, but didn't learn to swim. She did learn basic water safety and how to bob and hold her breath under water so I you can't go wrong with that. I think we will both be taking lessons again next summer
I've finally made friends here. Good people too. I don't feel so lonely anymore. I use to take Nayeli to outings by myself, but now I find myself making plans with other moms for those outing or I run into someone we know there. I'm not gonna lie, socializing is still hard for me and i still worry about how I come off to people since I'm aware that I am, still, and will probably always be socially awkward, but I try dammit, I do.
I know there's more I need to update on, but this is it for now. Nayeli should wake up in a bit and I'm hoping that a bath will help bring the fever down. hopefully I can get her to eat some soup too.
- Current Music:air conditioner
Peter is here from the moment Nayeli and I wake up and goes to bed just a couple of hours before I put her down for bed. During the first few months of his injury, he was down and somewhat depressed. To me that was understandable so I just tried to be there and support him the best way I knew how. After that, he just became mean and annoying. I hadn't uttered a word yet about how irksome he had become and one day out of the blue Nayeli says, "Momma, poppas a little annoying, huh?" And as much as I wanted to agree with her and say, "Yes! So I'm not the only one who's noticed what a pain in the ass he's become!" I didn't agree with her out loud. Instead I told her that we're family and as annoying we all may be sometimes, we had to be patient with each other.
Well, my patience is wearing super freakin' thin these days. It's like a dark cloud hovers over our house when he's here. He's moody, pessimistic, nit picky, critical, lazy, inattentive and uncooperative. It is not my intention to turn people against him because I still believe that he is a genuinely good person, but this injury has brought out a bitter, miserable person in him. One that usually only Nayeli and I see. He still makes an effort to be courteous and respectful to other people, which is great because at least this way I know he still has it in him. I feel helpless because I don't know what to do to make him better, to make his pain go away.
As a result of all of this, we are constantly bickering and arguing. I tried to bite my tongue this summer while my nieces and nephews were here, but there were days when I just couldn't and it made for some pretty uncomfortable moments with the kids just walking out of the room or going outside. I wonder if they said anything to my sisters when they got home. One of my sisters wants to come over next wk for the long weeekend and I would love to, but with Peter the way he is, I just don't know. I wish I could send him away for the weekend so that I could enjoy this time with my sis. I just don't feel like having ppl over because of the fear that they'll sense the tension and catch on.
On top of all that, we are doing pretty bad financially. Him working 4 hrs and workers comp doesn't provide us with what he use to bring home before he got injured. Payments are still being paid, but they are being sent late and I had to sign up for WIC again because at this point any help is good for us. Peter, without telling me, ransacked our savings. Our savings was supposed to be for emergencies, we weren't even at that point yet and he took it upon himself to start taking money out. We had a verbal agreement that we wouldn;t touch the saving without consulting one another first. Now we have under $100 in there. Of course, this lead to one of our worst arguments yet.
He's also become addicted to this app: Marvel Universe or something like that. He plays this all day, everyday. He forms chats with other people to supposedly strategize and figure out ways to beat their opponents. He is always doing this. ALWAYS. This is the only time I see him smile or laugh, when someone in a chat says something funny I guess. If we are not bickering and arguing, then he is ignoring us and playing this game. It's his escape I suppose.
There is so much more to this and going on than what little I've written about right now. I set up an appointment for a marital retreat and even had someone come over the house and further discuss the retreat with us, but Peter refused to go. I know we can't afford it right now, but when Nayeli starts going to school full time and I finally go back to work, I'm willing to spend my entire pay checks on marriage counseling. Because at this point I don't know how to make us happy anymore. I have never seriously thought about divorce until now, but it would hurt Nayeli too much so I just keep telling myself, that God willing, 14 years from now when Nayeli is off at College, we'll finally be able to go our own separate ways and search for more compatible partners. I maintain hope that I will still have some 20+ years left in me at that point. We'll see...
For the past week and a half, I've been having really bad anxiety about parting with Nayeli and leaving her alone at preschool. The anxiety is not so much about the parting, but about her speech delay and the speculation that there might be something else that's wrong with her that might hinder her learning at a normal level. For the past year I've enrolled her In several activities- sports, mom and me classes, etc. I've always been there watch over her and speak for her when people don't understand her and guide her when she's having a hard time completing a task, but now I won't be able to do that. Who's going to watch over her? Is she going to be okay and heard or will she just be overlooked? Will she speak up when necessary? Will her teacher be understanding and patient to her needs? Will she be picked on or bullied because of her speech delay?
For the past week and a half I have not been able to sleep well. I have nightmares about her having a rough time at school and her beautiful spirit being broken. Then I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Peters anxiety is about the same as mine right now so we can't really comfort each other.
Nayeli's attitude about her first day or preschool is pretty indifferent. I guess that's better than a negative attitude. I just want her to be a happy, well rounded, bright normal child who makes good friends and makes the right choices in life.
Aw man... I didn't think I would be taking this so hard.
Found this on postsecret this morning and again I couldn't stop staring and rereading it because it seemed as if I had written and sent it myself.
Ever since my mom passed, I remind myself constantly to be the best person I can be so that I have a better chance of seeing her again when my time comes. I even told Peter that I want to get married by church because according to our religion, our marriage is not yet official....I just want to do things right. Until I read this, I thought I was the only one who felt this way.
*edit- I understand that the postsecret secrets are totally subjective. Perhaps this LW meant something completely different than what I took from it, but still, it spoke to me.