Peter injured his back at work on Valentines Day and has been placed on light duty and attending physical therapy 3 times a week since then. I hate seeing him in pain. He doesn't seem to be getting better. I can't wait to see him back to himself again...I really hope he does. He is home more as he's only working 4-6 hrs a day and I can't say it's been very pleasant. He's gloomy and I get it. I try my best not to lose my patience with him. He's also bringing in less than what he normally does, even with corkers comp. We are on a very, very tight budget. This is very scary.
Dad and my uncle bought a property in a neighboring town. It is a 3 bdrm house with a guesthouse and about an acre of land. Dad decided he wants to live in the guesthouse and when he's in town spends just about most of his time fixing it up. Peter and I can't reason with him. I don't understand. He has it made here. He has the guest bedroom with his own bathroom and entrance and the sunroom. I clean his room, do his laundry, cook, we don't charge him to live here. Peter and my dad get along great, Nayeli and I love him to pieces. We like having him here. I just don't understand. The other day, when he arrived, he had a ring on his ring finger. When I inquired about it he said he found it somewhere, but has not taken it off. I want so badly to ask him if he's in a relationship, engaged or worse yet, married. My excuse is that I haven't had the right opportunity, but the truth is that I'm scared. Every time an opportunity has presented itself I get nervous, even a little shaky and I chicken out. Worse yet, my siblings don't know anything because my dad had been distancing himself from the family. He has not attended a holiday or celebratory gathering since Christmas 2011. There is a lot of tension with my sibs, they started off hurt, but now they are very angry with him. It's come to a point where we've all just agreed to not bring him up because someone always ends up getting angry. The only one I can talk to about dad is Sandy. Everyone seems so intimidated to talk to him including myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't really know who he is anymore. I wish I knew why he is doing all this.
Lastly, giving up the iphone for lent had become a little easier. I've finished reading 6 magazines. I've also decided that I really don't need so many subscriptions, even if they were free and are nice to have. I think I'll just end up keeping OWN, Parenting and FamilyFun. If I manage to get a free Woman's Day or Family Circle again, I might just take the offer. They always have interesting recipes. I'm also just about to finish up a David Sedaris book that I checked out from the library and have another book on hold to pick up on Wed. i do however feel out of the loop since I'm not spending so much time online anymore. kept hearing about something called a "Harlem Shake" and assumed it was a new dance. I still don't get it, maybe it's best I don't.
Speaking of her being more social, it seems as if she's being invited to events just about every weekend. I do wish Peter would pick up the slack every once in a while in this area. Last week I had to endure a "princess tea party". Of course she had a great time, I knew this from the moment we received the invitation, but ugh....some of those moms are a little....well....weird? Nayeli and I baked cupcakes for the princess tea party because i was explaining to her that its always nice to show up with something. I'm trying to teach her how to be a good guest in the event that I ever feel comfortable enough to drop her off for a few hours to one of these things. And I do feel its rude to show up empty handed. Anywho, we made cupcakes with pink swirls in them and cream cheese frosting because the little girl is allergic to chocolate. When we arrived, the mom thanked us for the cupcakes and the girls ended up having them toward the end of the "party". Upon finding out that I used pink food coloring to make the swirl in the cupcakes, the mom demanded that I take the leftovers home because they contained, in her words, " dye red #40". According to this mom, this particular dye in foods is "bad" when just last week she had provided colored goldfishes for her daughter during our playdate. There's fucking food coloring in all that cute princess shit you feed your daughter too, lady! I offered the leftover cupcakes to the other moms who took them without any hesitation. I dunno...maybe it's just me, but I found that a bit odd. Nayeli and that lady's daughter get along just fine so, as long as me or my family are not being personally attacked, I'm willing to endure this lady for a couple of hours a week. Our neighbors are having a bday party today and the boys came over to personally invite Nayeli. Peter took her to see a movie today so as soon as she comes back guess who will have to take her. I like my neighbors just fine...I'm looking forward to the day I feel comfortable sending her next door and possibly other places on her own. That's if I ever get there...I know i have to eventually. My parents did, even though we were pretty sheltered...some of my best childhood memories are when there were no adults around. And no, we weren't doing anything inappropriate, there was just something about that freedom that made those moments all the more better. I really do hope I get there one day...
I just read your lj, Milah and again i'm so very sorry for your loss. I know what your Granny meant to you and how much you loved and worried about her. It might not feel like it right now, but SHE IS STILL WITH YOU. You might have moments where you'll feels as if her presence was with you and you might dismiss them as coincidences, flukes, etc...don't. Don't dismiss those moments....cherish them. You can stop worrying about her now and start grieving. Please allow yourself to grieve, it will help you heal faster. From what I was able to take from the times you mentioned her, she seemed like an amazing, patient, loving, selfless, grandmother. Grandparents are amazing people to have in our lives and I think you were very fortunate to have had one like your granny.
I love you and I'm here for you.
On a weird note, today I accompanied my dad to the CHP station because he needed an inspection for a salvaged car he purchased. Afterward, we headed to a local Diner where the steaks were being made outside. Omg, did it ever smell so delicious. When we walked in we were greeted in Spanish, which caught me off guard because I don't get much of that over here. Then after we were seated, I noticed that about 90% of the customers were Hispanic. It suddenly felt like i was in L.A. again and for a brief moment it felt like home....comforting....my people. I can't remember the last time a felt homesick like that. I could tell the atmosphere made my dad feel at ease as well.
And on an even weirder note, I had never had a white friend until I moved here. Not by choice, of course. I don't care what nationality my friends are as long as they are good, well-meaning people. Anywho, in the past i had white co-workers, classmates, etc, but never anything that progressed to friendship...until now. Just a weird observation I made recently...how all of the friends and acquaintances Ive made here are something other than hispanic. Like I said....just a weird observation.
Okay, Peter and Nayeli just walked in the door and Nayeli is already whining. Break time is over.
Our PC is old, it's basically an outdated piece of crap. I only log on when I really have to because it freezes and takes forever to load. I really miss updating my lj. I often have moments when I want to vent or share something, but just the thought of having to deal with the frustrations of our pc gives me a headache.
Dad turned 74 today. He told us he didn't want any gifts or a celebration and made plans to go to Arizona with one of my uncles instead. I still bought him a gift and wrote him a card and left it on the drivers seat of his truck. Things are great when he's here, which in usually Mon-fri, but he hasn't been around for holidays and special occasions. He's missed bdays, first communions, thanksgiving and both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Everyone is hurt and I've run out of things to say to defend him. I don't know what to say or think anymore. Why is he avoiding us? I love and worry about him so much. I wish I knew how to communicate with him better in terms of touchy subjects such as this one. We've never had that type of relationship and it is much easier said than done. Maybe one day I or one of my sibs will work up the courage. For the time being, I'm happy to have him around during the week. He seems content and comfortable when he's here.
Nayeli turns 4 this month. We asked her if she wanted a party or if she wanted to go somewhere special. She said she wanted to go somewhere special. Yes, Disneyland does sound ideal, but I still think she's not quite ready for that experience. We will probably take her to Adventure City. And since one of my nieces birthday is next month, we will probably take her with us. Kill two birds with one stone. Hopefully the weather is nice. January is so unpredictable.
This months also marks 3 years since we moved to this town. I can honestly say I feel very happy here. I feel I've made more of a life for myself here than I ever did in L.A. Both Nayeli and I have made a few acquaintances and its great seeing and bumping into them. Unlike L.A. where I used to dread running into people I once knew, I use to go out of my way to shop in other cities just to avoid that. Here, I don't mind at all. I even find myself chatting random people up at stores. Nayeli says she wants to live here for ever and ever...I think I might feel the same way.
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I wish I could just crawl under a rock tomorrow, but Thanksgiving will be held in our home and I have a lot of prep to do. My dad, who is here at the moment, told me he wont be here tomorrow, but will come back for Thanksgiving. I didn't ask him where he was going, but he said he was going with an uncle of mine. I don't believe him. I think tomorrow is a dark day for him and he just wants to be alone too. I'm praying that he comes back for thanksgiving. We need him here and we need him more than anyone else.
I don't want to get too much into the details of my moms last day. To say that it was sad and traumatic for me should be enough. I've had some rough moments since her death, but nothing compares. It seems like nothing will ever compare. If I can survive watching/assisting my moms final days, it seems like I can survive anything.
It was such a helpless feeling watching and assisting her take these steps and not be able to do a single damned thing about it. That was the hardest part for me. How can a mother ask her child to allow and help her die? I wanted her to fight, I wanted to fight for her, but she had given up, she'd had enough. So when she looked at me, eyes open for the last time and said "let me go already", all I could say was "okay, mom". I had pleaded with her, argued with her, all she did was shake her head to say no. I wish I had the magical words that would have changed her mind.
I know better now than to feel this guilt or blame myself...I really do.The memories, they keep flooding my mind. At times it feels as if I'm reliving those days again. Please end already, November.
We're all hoping she stays sober for the long run. For her sake, for Peter's family and for her son, who would not stop hugging and kissing her that day.
I know there are people out there who are not fans of or despise Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga series. I'm sure they are sighing a big sigh of relief because it's all over now. I think it's okay to not be into something, but it's pretty ridiculous to hate on something just because it's popular, because it's romance, because it's not Harry Potter. I have not read 50 shades of Grey yet, but it seems the author has had some backlash as well. I think people are missing the bigger picture here. During a time of smart phones, reality tv, and thousands of other mindless gadgets and apps to numbingly distract us, PEOPLE ARE STILL READING. That is the bigger picture. Children, tweens, teens, adults are still reading. And it seems it's cool to read now more than ever. and I think that's great. If Nayeli were older, I'd much rather have her pick up a copy of Twilight or Hunger Games book than waste away her time on a smart phone. Anywho...those are my two cents.
So here I am, satisfied with the final installment and feeling a bit melancholy...the same melancholy feeling I get after I finish a good series of anything. What will I obsess about now?