A few weeks ago a hawk attacked our parakeet cage. It was frightening how the hawk was not scared of me until I literally had to tap it with a plastic baseball bat. In reality I wanted to hit it, bit I knew it was wrong. It returned 3 more times within just a few minutes until I finally decided to place the cage in the sunroom. It was then that I noticed that one of my parakeets, the green and black ones tail feathers were not quite right and had a bump on its back. We took it to a local vet the following day. The vet didn't know exactly what was wrong with it and wanted to perform an xray that would cost us $130 plus the $57 that were due for the consultation. We just couldn't spend that kind of money and instead opted for a painkiller similar to morphine. Over the next 5 days we fed it the painkiller twice a day while the bird took its steps to dying: caved in chest, labored breathing, loss of control of bowels...not that birds have much control over their bowel movements, but his were different. I regretted not asking then and there for the vet to euthanize the poor bird and didn't have the heart to do it myself at home. Neither did Peter or my dad. We kept it in a separate cage until he finally died. I really hope the painkiller made him comfortable during his last days. I was about to look for an empty shoe box to bury the bird when I looked outside and saw my dad tossing it over the fence. I would have to walk around the block to get to it and I really couldn't bear to look at his dead little body so I left it at that. I'm a terrible pet owner, i know.

Peter injured his back at work on Valentines Day and has been placed on light duty and attending physical therapy 3 times a week since then. I hate seeing him in pain. He doesn't seem to be getting better. I can't wait to see him back to himself again...I really hope he does. He is home more as he's only working 4-6 hrs a day and I can't say it's been very pleasant. He's gloomy and I get it. I try my best not to lose my patience with him. He's also bringing in less than what he normally does, even with corkers comp. We are on a very, very tight budget. This is very scary.

Dad and my uncle bought a property in a neighboring town. It is a 3 bdrm house with a guesthouse and about an acre of land. Dad decided he wants to live in the guesthouse and when he's in town spends just about most of his time fixing it up. Peter and I can't reason with him. I don't understand. He has it made here. He has the guest bedroom with his own bathroom and entrance and the sunroom. I clean his room, do his laundry, cook, we don't charge him to live here. Peter and my dad get along great, Nayeli and I love him to pieces. We like having him here. I just don't understand. The other day, when he arrived, he had a ring on his ring finger. When I inquired about it he said he found it somewhere, but has not taken it off. I want so badly to ask him if he's in a relationship, engaged or worse yet, married. My excuse is that I haven't had the right opportunity, but the truth is that I'm scared. Every time an opportunity has presented itself I get nervous, even a little shaky and I chicken out. Worse yet, my siblings don't know anything because my dad had been distancing himself from the family. He has not attended a holiday or celebratory gathering since Christmas 2011. There is a lot of tension with my sibs, they started off hurt, but now they are very angry with him. It's come to a point where we've all just agreed to not bring him up because someone always ends up getting angry. The only one I can talk to about dad is Sandy. Everyone seems so intimidated to talk to him including myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't really know who he is anymore. I wish I knew why he is doing all this.

Lastly, giving up the iphone for lent had become a little easier. I've finished reading 6 magazines. I've also decided that I really don't need so many subscriptions, even if they were free and are nice to have. I think I'll just end up keeping OWN, Parenting and FamilyFun. If I manage to get a free Woman's Day or Family Circle again, I might just take the offer. They always have interesting recipes. I'm also just about to finish up a David Sedaris book that I checked out from the library and have another book on hold to pick up on Wed. i do however feel out of the loop since I'm not spending so much time online anymore. kept hearing about something called a "Harlem Shake" and assumed it was a new dance. I still don't get it, maybe it's best I don't.

Nayeli has become quite the social butterfly. Thank God because her stranger anxiety lasted longer than I'd ever heard of or expected. She now initiates conversations with the children's librarian, her teacher in the mom & tot class, some of the moms I get together with at the park on Thursdays, clerks at stores and other children. Still, she seems to be more comfortable talking to adults than other children. Probably because she's mostly around us. She will play with other children for a while, but eventually end up playing on her own. When we get home she'll usually tell me that she needs a break and plays alone with her toys for a long time. That's usually how I feel too after being around other people. Especially after hanging around other moms. It's exhausting for me to be around groups of people for too long, especially when I have to interact with them. I wonder if it's inevitable for Nayeli to turn out to be an introvert like myself. Heh, I just realized that the majority of this paragraph contradicts my first sentence. Still, she is doing much better, and all I really want is for her to be well rounded and well adjusted.

Speaking of her being more social, it seems as if she's being invited to events just about every weekend. I do wish Peter would pick up the slack every once in a while in this area. Last week I had to endure a "princess tea party". Of course she had a great time, I knew this from the moment we received the invitation, but ugh....some of those moms are a little....well....weird? Nayeli and I baked cupcakes for the princess tea party because i was explaining to her that its always nice to show up with something. I'm trying to teach her how to be a good guest in the event that I ever feel comfortable enough to drop her off for a few hours to one of these things. And I do feel its rude to show up empty handed. Anywho, we made cupcakes with pink swirls in them and cream cheese frosting because the little girl is allergic to chocolate. When we arrived, the mom thanked us for the cupcakes and the girls ended up having them toward the end of the "party". Upon finding out that I used pink food coloring to make the swirl in the cupcakes, the mom demanded that I take the leftovers home because they contained, in her words, " dye red #40". According to this mom, this particular dye in foods is "bad" when just last week she had  provided colored goldfishes for her daughter during our playdate. There's fucking food coloring in all that cute princess shit you feed your daughter too, lady! I offered the leftover cupcakes to the other moms who took them without any hesitation. I dunno...maybe it's just me, but I found that a bit odd. Nayeli and that lady's daughter get along just fine so, as long as me or my family are not being personally attacked, I'm willing to endure this lady for a couple of hours a week. Our neighbors are having a bday party today and the boys came over to personally invite Nayeli. Peter took her to see a movie today so as soon as she comes back guess who will have to take her. I like my neighbors just fine...I'm looking forward to the day I feel comfortable sending her next door and possibly other places on her own. That's if I ever get there...I know i have to eventually. My parents did, even though we were pretty sheltered...some of my best childhood memories are when there were no adults around. And no, we weren't doing anything inappropriate, there was just something about that freedom that made those moments all the more better. I really do hope I get there one day...

I believe I've mentioned here before that my cell phone does not have internet. I know it might seem rare since it seems like just about everyone, regardless of age, is ALWAYS connected. I do however have an unserviced iphone that I use with my wifi at home. I realized I was pretty hooked on it, so I decided to give it up for lent. There are certain app games that I'd been playing for over a year and opponents that I've been playing with for months. I only use it for Pandora now because music is essential when cleaning, cooking, etc. I miss it, but am glad of my progress so far. I really was hooked on it. So now if I need to google something, go on fb, etc., I need to make time to dedicate to sitting infront of the pc.

I just read your lj, Milah and again i'm so very sorry for your loss. I know what your Granny meant to you and how much you loved and worried about her. It might not feel like it right now, but SHE IS STILL WITH YOU. You might have moments where you'll feels as if her presence was with you and you might dismiss them as coincidences, flukes, etc...don't. Don't dismiss those moments....cherish them. You can stop worrying about her now and start grieving. Please allow yourself to grieve, it will help you heal faster. From what I was able to take from the times you mentioned her, she seemed like an amazing, patient, loving, selfless, grandmother. Grandparents are amazing people to have in our lives and I think you were very fortunate to have had one like your granny.
I love you and I'm here for you. 

Peter and I were starting to get back to that rut we were in a while back where we were both feeling unappreciated and easily annoyed. After a long talk, we decided to start doing "little things" for one another to show our appreciation and to give each other a break from time to time. Peter has been selling all his video game stuff on ebay and craigslist. Today, after he got home from work, someone responded to one of his craigslist adds. in the past he would've just left to sell the item, but today he took Nayeli with him. This is a nice break for me. I'M SITTING HERE UPDATING MY LJ AT 7:30 pm AND NO ONE IS BOTHERING ME! This really is nice and very much appreciated. Ahhhh...

On a weird note, today I accompanied my dad to the CHP station because he needed an inspection for a salvaged car he purchased. Afterward, we headed to a local Diner where the steaks were being made outside. Omg, did it ever smell so delicious. When we walked in we were greeted in Spanish, which caught me off guard because I don't get much of that over here. Then after we were seated, I noticed that about 90% of the customers were Hispanic. It suddenly felt like i was in L.A. again and for a brief moment it felt like home....comforting....my people. I can't remember the last time a felt homesick like that. I could tell the atmosphere made my dad feel at ease as well.

And on an even weirder note, I had never had a white friend until I moved here. Not by choice, of course. I don't care what nationality my friends are as long as they are good, well-meaning people. Anywho, in the past i had white co-workers, classmates, etc, but never anything that progressed to friendship...until now. Just a weird observation I made recently...how all of the friends and acquaintances Ive made here are something other than hispanic. Like I said....just a weird observation.

Okay, Peter and Nayeli just walked in the door and Nayeli is already whining. Break time is over.

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my mom's passing. This month has been pretty difficult for me. It's brought back all the bad and sad memories of what we were all going through a year ago. To date, it continues to be one of the most difficult times of my life. I've lost count on how many times I've broken down in tears this month. I miss her and need her so much.

I wish I could just crawl under a rock tomorrow, but Thanksgiving will be held in our home and I have a lot of prep to do. My dad, who is here at the moment, told me he wont be here tomorrow, but will come back for Thanksgiving. I didn't ask him where he was going, but he said he was going with an uncle of mine. I don't believe him. I think tomorrow is a dark day for him and he just wants to be alone too. I'm praying that he comes back for thanksgiving. We need him here and we need him more than anyone else.

I don't want to get too much into the details of my moms last day. To say that it was sad and traumatic for me should be enough. I've had some rough moments since her death, but nothing compares. It seems like nothing will ever compare. If I can survive watching/assisting my moms final days, it seems like I can survive anything.

It was such a helpless feeling watching  and assisting her take these steps and not be able to do a single damned thing about it. That was the hardest part for me. How can a mother ask her child to allow and help her die? I wanted her to fight, I wanted to fight for her, but she had given up, she'd had enough. So when she looked at me, eyes open for the last time and said "let me go already", all I could say was "okay, mom". I had pleaded with her, argued with her, all she did was shake her head to say no. I wish I had the magical words that would have changed her mind.

I know better now than to feel this guilt or blame myself...I really do.The memories, they keep flooding my mind. At times it feels as if I'm reliving those days again. Please end already, November.

One more entry before I forget...Mary graduated from rehab this Wed. I was not able to attend. Peter went straight from work. He said that after the ceremony, she pulled him aside, thanked him for coming, and apologized for blaming all of her problems on him. She said she now understands that it wasn't his job to protect her from all the bad choices she was making and that she understand he needed to move away from them to create a life of his own. She also said that their family always creates a lot of drama, so she understand why he isn't around as much. In her words, "who wants to deal with that?"  Although I didn't hear it with my own ears, this is one of the most mature, reasonable, and sane things I've heard Mary say. She even asked about me and how I was doing which is something she never did.

We're all hoping she stays sober for the long run. For her sake, for Peter's family and for her son, who would not stop hugging and kissing her that day.

Nayeli has been invited to a princess premiere party. It seems Disney Jr is going to premiere it's newest princess show, "Sofia" this Sunday. One of the moms from the mom & tot class is having a premiere party and Nayeli has not stopped talking about it and looking at the invitation since she received it in the mail. Yes, it's all glittery and sparkly. The girls will be donned in princess attire and "princess snacks" will be served while they all gather around the telly and watch this show.Ugh... I don't want to go, but Nayeli does and she and this little girl get along, so I'm taking one for the team and enduring this. Thankfully, one of my nieces recently handed down an old Bell (from Beauty and the Beast) costume to Nayeli. I didn't want to spend money on a costume she's only going to wear for 3 hours. It's a good quality costume, but a bit old...I'll see what matching accessories Nayeli has laying around to make this work. All I purchased were a dozen long stemmed, star shaped lollipops from Party City. I didn't want to show up empty handed, and figured these lollipops could pass for wands. They were 35 cents ea. Yes, I know I'm cheap, but I have to be when I'm not working anymore and the holidays are coming up. ::sigh:: We'll see how this party goes...

Peter surprised me with a ticket to a 10pm showing of Breaking Dawn Part 2. I was so happy I cried. Stupid, fan girl...I know...but I was so glad I would get to see this movie before I started seeing/reading all the spoilers on social media, tv, word of mouth, etc. The final installment did not disappoint. If I had the opportunity, I'd see it again...RIGHT NOW. My sisters are into the Twilight Saga books/movies as well, hopefully I can convince them of a girls night out next week when they come up for Thanksgiving. It's been a couple of years since I read BD, but from what I remember, and I hope I'm correct on this...I believe this last installment has been more true to the book than the previous movies. If I could change only one thing about this movie, it would be that the rating be changed to M or R. Ahem....

I know there are people out there who are not fans of or despise Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga series. I'm sure they are sighing a big sigh of relief because it's all over now. I think it's okay to not be into something, but it's pretty ridiculous to hate on something just because it's popular, because it's romance, because it's not Harry Potter. I have not read 50 shades of Grey yet, but it seems the author has had some backlash as well. I think people are missing the bigger picture here. During a time of smart phones, reality tv, and thousands of other mindless gadgets and apps to numbingly distract us, PEOPLE ARE STILL READING. That is the bigger picture. Children, tweens, teens, adults are still reading. And it seems it's cool to read now more than ever. and I think that's great. If Nayeli were older, I'd much rather have her pick up a copy of Twilight or Hunger Games book than waste away her time on a smart phone. Anywho...those are my two cents.

So here I am, satisfied with the final installment and feeling a bit melancholy...the same melancholy feeling I get after I finish a good series of anything. What will I obsess about now?