June and July gloom
I <3 Jack
Been feeling down and lethargic lately. Don't know why. I'm getting plenty of sleep...

I have to break a promise to Nayeli about taking her to the Legoland Resort this summer. She got amazing grades at the end of 1st grade and we told her we'd take her there as her reward for good grades and good behavior. Turns out we just can't afford it. It seemed affordable at first, but I wasn't offered many hours of work for the summer. We just can't right now and I don't know how to break it to her. Every time she asks, I change the subject. Last year we did Disneyland, this year was supposed to be Legoland. I feel like a piece of shit mother for having to break this promise to her. I just have one kid....ONE...and I can't even take her to a proper vacation for the summer.

I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life right now.

First 2016 update
I <3 Jack
Been a while...

Still currently working full time as a paraeducator for special needs preschool, however, it's still not with benefits as only the a.m. class is permanent and I'm a sub for the pm class. There are always transfer opportunities. I'm hoping to be able to transfer to a full time position at Nayeli's school if or when it becomes available. I've made 0 New Years resolutions because they are bs...to me at least.

Nayeli is doing very well at her new school and in first grade. She says she really likes it there so I guess we've found the right one until high school. Parent/teacher conference went very well. Her teacher showed me a story Nayeli wrote where she used quotation marks, exclamation points and ellipses accurately. She told me that wasn't something she had taught them yet and asked if I taught her. I was honest, I said I didn't , but I do read to her M-F so perhaps she learned it from looking at the words in books. Either way, her teacher was very impressed and gave her the Super Writer award. She also got one for knowing all her sight words and for scoring 100% on her spelling test. We're very proud of her. Also, she finally made a new best friend, his name is Dylan. I haven't had to opportunity to get to know him very well, but her teacher told me he is the boy version of Nayeli and vise versa. I'm glad she finally started to socialize again and is making good friends. His family seems like very nice people and I like the fact that she plays with both boys and girls. Very often kids stick to their same gendered peers which I think really limits them.

Peter is still at home and not working. Back is still hurting, but he's not so much of an asshole anymore. I think he's finally accepted that his job is at home for now and has started helping out around the house so much more. He's also taking some courses at the local community college in an attempt to find a new trade. He was a truck driver for so long and because and can't do it anymore because of his back. Getting out of the house and socializing with classmates really helped improve his mood. He too got good grades (A's) last semester, and I'm also very proud of his dedication and hard work.

Dad is still with us most of the time. He spends most weekends with his gf. I don't like her for several valid reasons, but I'll get into that in another post at another time. Hes still in good health and exercises every morning and evening. My dad, the enigma...wish I could say more, but I can't. The man's always been a mystery to us. He does as he pleases, rightfully so I suppose. Communicating with him has always been and still is very difficult.

Sandy is about 5 months pregnant now. Her pregnancy has been complicated since the beginning and she's been on mandatory bed rest since then. She doesn't want to give it a name or plan too much for the future of the baby. I pray every day that the baby is born full term , healthy and without any complication to it or my sis.

Everyone else in the fam is doing ok. Mary, Peter's younger sis that wasn't doing so well, which I've mentioned in previous posts is actually doing well. She's held a job for about 8 months now, has her own place and pays rent and claims to be sober. She looks sober and coherent, so I kinda do believe her this time.

Okay, I'm not a night owl anymore like I used to be. I wake up at 5 a.m. for work so my body starts to shut down around 9pm. It's way past my bed time and I'm very tired. Hopefully it won't be another several months until my next post.

A stab to the heart
I <3 Jack
Nayeli is spending the weekend at my sisters house. She loves my sister and her cousins dearly and was so excited to spend the weekend there. I also think it is important for even kids to take a break from their parents sometimes. We all need a break sometimes.

I knew she was having a great time and all, but just a few minutes ago when Peter and I face timed her, she completely ignored us and was too busy playing with her cousins to take a few minutes to stop and have a conversation with us. I kept trying to get her attention, but she was all over the place. Finally, I felt too hurt and annoyed to continue trying so I said goodbye to her. She cheerfully said bye to me and hung up before I could tell her that I love her.

Man, I gotta say that really hurt. It even broke my heart a little. I appreciate the break from her as well, but I do really miss her and was so happy to see her face and hear her voice. Her on the other hand.... I don't know....makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong as a mom that she doesn't even miss me...not even a little. What am I not doing enough of that makes her not miss me? I always missed my mom....still do.

Tomorrow we'll pick her up....probably kicking and screaming cause she won't wanna leave.

I'm gonna go and numb my mind with YouTube until I fall asleep now. G' nite.

mini update
I <3 Jack
So I resigned from my part-time job working for the town last month and the following week began working full time as a paraeducator for special needs preschool. I am very grateful for the job, the hours, and the group of staff I was placed with. They are a kooky, zany bunch who have been super kind, caring and welcoming not only to me, but also to all other newcomers. Most importantly they are everything they should be, plus more for the children. The only prob is that my position is only permanent for the morning class and I'm currently only a "substitute" for the afternoon class which means that my assignment will end after two months and am not sure if it will be offered to me again. I also don't get all the benefits of working full time. Like my job for the Town, they don't like to have too many full time employees. Well, I will continue asking and taking advantage of the hours while I can.

Other than prepare breakfast and lunch, I haven't done shit today. I feel guilty because Nayeli has been bored, but I feel like I need this. It's so hot outside too. We've had either high 90's or triple digit heat for the past two weeks and I just want one week where I don't have to deal with it. I just want to stay in my home, not wear any makeup, not have to deal with the heat, and not have to make small talk with people. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will try to have a little outing with Nayeli.

Yesterday would have been moms 71st birthday. I bought her a bouquet of roses and dad bought her a very nice arrangement of flowers. Still, not a single day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her. Dad is still doing well and healthy.

an update that will have to be finished later
I <3 Jack
Ok, so I hope I'm able to poat this update today instead of leaving it as a draft for almost a year like a did with my last post. Yes, it's a poorly written review, but I'm still glad I finally finished it.

Ugh, so much to say with such limited time. Peter actually took it upon himself to take Nayeli out. I got out of the shower and they were gone. When I called him to see where they were, he said they were at the swap meet and would be out for a while. I can't update my LJ when they are home as they are both hoverers and I like my privacy when I'm updating my LJ. Nayeli is now learning to read and as happy as I am about that, I also realize that I have to be extra careful as to what I type while I'm on the laptop, facebook, or texting.

Our PC pretty much took a crap last year and I dropped and cracked the old iPhone that I used to use around the house. I have a hard time attempting to type on the ipad, and Peter is still home all the time so it got a little difficult to try to find a good time to update my lj. There were several times when I wanted to update as I find doing this very therapeutic, but I guess the timing was never right.

Darn, just got a text that they are on their way home. I really need to vent about some stuff. Well, we are somewhat healthy and I am somewhat happy so that's one good things to say in this pathetic attempt at an update. Nayeli is doing very well in school, both academically and socially and I am working a part-time job which has really given me the confidence I needed to get back out there and look for a full-time position. My current job is a seasonal one, so when public schools are off, so am I. Just enjoyed a week off for spring break with Nayeli. We had a spa day where we painted each others nails, a craft day, a baking day, and a play date with a friend. All in all it was nice having some quality time with her. I cooked most of the week too. It was very nice, it felt like the old days. Looking back at old posts where I used to complain about the loneliness and isolation that came with being a SAHM, now I want nothing more than to have a few of those months back. The grass isn't always greener. I feel like my home and family are being neglected. I will probably feel that more once I find a full-time job. I am hoping to find that soon as I will be out of work once summer break comes.

To be continued...

Steam Powered Giraffe
I <3 Jack
As I age, I find myself not being very pleased with a lot of the crap they play on the radio, I kind of assumed that from here on I would not really be into any new bands. The last "new" band I got really into was Muse. I fell in love with them the moment I first heard Knights of Cydonia. They quickly became my new favorite bands and have been the only exception since then. They are still on my list of bands I must see live one day. Radiohead and Depeche Mode remain on the list as well. DM was touring a while back and Morrissey was on our last year, but concerts are luxuries we can't splurge on right now. I heard a rumor that that may have been Moz's last tour...I'll take solace in the fact that I've seen him 3 times and even had the pleasure of fighting for his sweaty shirt when he threw it into the crowd. ;-)

Okay, I'm getting a little off topic here. Some time ago I heard about an up and coming "steampunk band" by the name of Steam Powered Giraffe. I read about them on one of my favorite blogs, Epbot. I usually dig Jen's recommendations, but for some reason or another never bothered to click on the vids she posted of these guys. Then came one sleepless night when I was clicking around on all the categories on YouTube (back when they had more selections). I clicked on the music category, scrolled through it and noticed a live video of 3 guys in full and amazing looking make up and costumes. It was Steam Powered Giraffe and I thought "hey, that name sounds very familiar!" I was immediately drawn in and mesmerized by Rabbit's voice and performance in the video below. To this day, this live version of Honeybee remains my favorite SPG song.

After hearing this great song, I needed more and fell upon a Rihanna cover. Now, I'm not a fan of Rihanna's music, but I just had to hear exactly how this robotic trio's rendition of "Diamonds" wold turn out. Well, it turned out to be a video that I kid you not, I've now seen at least 100 times. No joke. It's Just. That. Good. Oh, how I love the unexected range in The Spines voice.

There is a third member, Hatchworth, whom I also love both in and out of character. He is intelligent, rational and funny. "Fancy Shoes" happens to be both mine and Nayeli's favorite song of his.

This band has gone through quite a few changes since I've become a fan. The first one I should point out, that actually happened right before I became a fan was The Jon leaving and being replaced with Hatchworth. The Jon had a sweet, innocent, soothing voice. He was great, but I still enjoy Hatchworth just as much. Second, SPG has also since let go of the two guys in the background as well, whose names I cannot remember at the moment. I believe this was due to budgeting, which I completely understand, however, I still wish they hadn't. Those two guys really added a little extra special something to the music. Lastly, the third big change in the band has been Rabbits (singing lead vocals in the first vid) transition to Bunny. In real life He is in the process of transitioning to She. I admire her strength, courage and beauty through what I can only imagine is a difficult thing to do, especially having to undergo the transition so publicly. I have loved watching her character transition in both clothes and makeup as well and wish her a lifetime of happiness with her transition.

Whew! I've had this entry saved on here for almost a year now! So glad I finally had the time to finish it. These guys need more exposure....not that anyone reads my lj. hehe

Lesson learned
I <3 Jack

The three of us were taking a walk in the park today, well Nayeli was on her trike, and Peter and I were walking off our lunch when we approached 3 young teenage boys sitting on a bench. I had noticed they were being loud and using foul language before we got near them and as we passed them I noticed one holding up what clearly looked like a joint. It angered me and I said to them, "I hope you guys are not planning on smoking that around here!" The boy holding the joint looked at me with a confused look and his jaw dropped. It was at that moment that I realized he was not holding a joint. It was a twig that looked very much like a joint. The boy then (understandably) became upset and said it was a twig. I felt so stupid that the only thing I could think of saying was "oops" and keep on walking. One of the boys then yelled out, "you shouldn't make assumptions about people!" And then another yelled out, "fucking bitch!" Peter turned around, walked back and asked them to repeat what they just called me. The three of them got up, puffed out their chests and started saying that they weren't doing anything wrong as tough as they could. I suppose it was then when Peter got a good look at their faces, that he noticed that they were actually pretty young, like 12-14 yrs old. Without saying another word, he turned back around and walked away. They yelled a few more curse words at us. We continued walking.

The whole time Nayeli had been riding her trike way ahead of us so she was completely oblivious as to what had just happened. Peter and I walked in silence and I started to feel an immense amount of shame, embarrassment and guilt. The boy was right, I did make an assumption and I was a bitch for not acknowledging my mistake and allowing the situation to escalate and getting Peter involved and upset. I apologized to peter. And when we were getting close to where the boys were sitting at again, I told peter to keep on walking. I approached them and apologized. I told them they were right, I did make an assumption and I was wrong for that, then they apologized for the words they called me and Peter. One of them said, "I know we look a certain way, but we're not like that and we're sorry for everything too." They were 3 African-American boys and with that statement I understood that they felt they were being discriminated. I told them that we were Mexican and that we have been treated poorly because of it too and I know what an ugly feeling that is and I felt terrible for having made them feel that way. I apologized again and so did they. Then I smiled, nodded and walked away.

Now I know....look and think twice before opening my big mouth to talk shit or I may end up looking like a huge ass and offending innocent people. :/


I <3 Jack

Today was a good day. Had spontaneous morning sex, for the first time in about a year Peter accompanied us to church, had lunch at Denny's, then came home and did some gardening in our front yard. At about 7 pm we're going for a walk in the park...today will be our third day walking in the park. Things feel happy and normal today.


At the end of my rope
I <3 Jack
Two people...no wait....Peter and I are not meant to spend this much time together. everything he does irks the shit out of me. He hardly helps me with anything and on the rare occasion that he does, he either does a half-assed job at it or expects to be treated like a king because he did it. que pendejadas! I get it, I do...it must be so hard and stressful for him, but it's going to be a year already... a fucking YEAR and he cannot seem to snap out of it. I'm sick of it...sick of him and this funk he's stuck in. Shit, I took it real hard when Mom passed away and  to this day I still have off days because i miss her so much, but fuck I realized i had a family to take care of and still function...even when I'm in a funk I function....shit still gets done around the house, Nayeli gets taken and picked up from school, I help her with hw, read to her, etc....but him? No, God forbid he try to be a functioning human being while he's in a funk....God forbid he be present and engaging and alert. Ugh...I must be the worlds worst wife because I'm saying this but it's going to be a YEAR already!!! How long is this going to last????? He stresses me out!!! The guy doesn't even make me laugh or smile anymore....he hardly laughs or smiles anymore. Fuuuuucccckkkk.....i just wanna scream so loud. And as of today I am on strike from washing the fucking dishes...that is fucking it with that mess....

Mom was right, I didn't want to admit it then, but she was spot on and I wish I would have listened to her. Peter probably would have been better off too if I had just listened to her.

But what the fuck can I do about it now? My stupid ass never got a freaking degree or even a trade....I am stuck and stupid and uneducated. I wish I had something to fall back on. I pray that Nayeli will see the advantage to a higher education and take that opportunity. I will make sure that she is presented with it, but I pray that she sees how important it is and takes full advantage of it. Even if at some point she too decides to be a stay-at-home-mom, she will at least have something to go back to once the children grow up....she will have options and opportunities that will provide decently. I don't ever want her to be where I'm at because this really sucks.

I <3 Jack
Another Mom dream...

My sisters, mom and I were sitting at Sandy's kitchen table when my mom asks me (in Spanish), "what's wrong with you, mija?" I ask her why and she says "because you look ugly. Your face looks sad and tired, you've gained weight, you look wasted. What's wrong? What is happening in your life that is making you look that way? You look ugly". I tell her nothing is wrong and that everything is fine. In my dream I want to tell her all my worries, but I don't want my sisters to know so I say everything is fine.

My mom was kind of blunt. She wasn't very good at sugar coating things, and even though some of the things she'd say we're hurtful or offensive, I still knew she had my best interests in mind.


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